Tuesday, August 24, 2010

And there will come a time, you'll see

There is an unfortunate state of being that I find myself in occasionally. It doesn't happen often but when it does it's beautifully bittersweet.

I am experiencing it right now, in this moment, as I sit on my friend's velour pod chair in Sydney, post headshot session, suitcase packed and ready to fly home. It is a feeling of intense and exhilarating motivation made tortuously frustrating by my inability to act.

As an actor, I spend most of my time happily waiting for the phone to ring and wildly dreaming up projects I'd like to produce. For the most part, it's a tolerable existence. Occasionally I'm hit with a stab of cold fear that makes me hate my unemployment and question the choices I've made in life. And then, very rarely, something will happen that will fill me with the most overwhelming passion and impatient enthusiasm to be doing something useful RIGHT NOW that it's almost heart-breaking.
I know I am capable of achieving what I would like to and, in these moments, I become painfully aware of just how much more I could be doing to get to where I want to be. It's wonderfully enlivening to have these bolts of positive hyper-reality, but it terrifies me to consider that the people who really do achieve greatness - who succeed - are those who are able to harness this feeling and channel it into the relentless pursuit of their goals, without the distractions of finances, and fashion, and finding love, and facebook.

So now.

All I need to do.


- Start marketing the crap out of myself
- Save money
- Stay focused
- Marry an American to get a VISA, and;
- Live happily ever after

So hard?


1 comment:

Kaye W said...

If its any consolation, I feel the same way about every single thing/project I do/embark on. Im convinced that I dont want it badly enough because I see so many successful people with passion for what they do and they are driven to hunt it down every day. They never seem to falter in the pursuit of their vision.

But here's the truth - thats only what 'successful' people look like on the outside; when you meet them briefly, facebook stalk them!, or get to know them over time. But in truth, they dont openly discuss their shortcomings, faults, and bad decisions - its all under lock and key.

We're all the same, we're all total fuckups really (albeit with beautiful aspirations). Some of us just hide it better.